Friday, November 03, 2006

First Draft of New Dem Caucus Press Release

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Let us introduce a new group of "progressives" united in the goal of taking back America from the war-mongering, fascist Bush regime administration. Our group, Progressives Intelligently Caucusing for Nuanced Overt Secularism and Elitism (PIC-NOSE) is a new group of Democrats who will tax the hell out of help America.

PIC-NOSE is an affiliation of liberal progressive politicians who feel that we know what is better for you and your families. We believe in the power of higher taxes, a weaker military, abortion for everyone on demand, illegal immigration and the destruction of Wal-Mart.

We believe that if the US just talked to members of the Religion of Peace © we could come to an undertanding. We understand that you must be nuanced when talking to the various clerics and Ayatollah's and that bringing up touchy issues such as suicide bombings, punishment of women who are raped, genital mutilation, stoning to death of homosexuals, beheadings and the establishment of a world-wide caliphate do nothing but impede on the negotiations. PIC-NOSE is about finding common ground and looking for the good in all societies. We also thank them for the glowing endorsements.

PIC-NOSE believes that the filthy, corrupt corporate cronies of President Bush and those who make over $100,000 per year should pay even more in taxes then they currently do because they are too greedy to handle their own money themselves. They are incapable of making the correct choices with their ill-gotten gains and will only spend it on worthless items such as SUV's and non-public schools. Are these people to stupid to figure out that we know how to spend their money better than they do.

PIC-NOSE believes that Wal-Mart is the anti-Christ not a responsible corporate citizen. Sure they employ more people in the U.S. than any other corporation, sell generic prescriptions at costs that will save consumers billions of dollars and sell products at prices that allow the poor to survive, but they are doing it without the unions. That's plain unacceptable to PIC-NOSE. They are only paying sales clerks $10.00 per hour when they should be making the union rate of $45.00. So what if many of the lower income people will be forced out because they will never be accepted into a union, we know where our bread is buttered.

PIC-NOSE believes that abortion should be as easy as going to the local 7-11 and buying a pack of gum. It's a woman's body and her right to choose what happens to her baby clump of useless cells. We support the work of NOW and NARAL and appreciate that they think that a woman who claims sexual harassment by a Republican or a teen-age girl telling her parents about an abortion is horrific and splashing any story that remotely threatens abortion rights across their websites, yet can't find a single pixel to cover the proven sexual harassment by a sitting president.

PIC-NOSE believes that the men and women of our military our just great. That is the ones who are not murdering innocent Iraqi's, shooting kids for sport and raping their way across the Middle East. But we love the 2% who aren't doing those things. We love our men and women in uniform, even if they are dumb, uneducated, lazy killing machines who usurp money from needed public programs like the NEA, medical care for illegal aliens and of course, global warming research.

PIC-NOSE is a defender of our besieged environment. We know that nearly every major environmental policy of the last 40-years was signed by Republican Presidents and that during Bill Clinton's eight years in office he signed nothing of consequence including re-authorization of Superfund, but we care for the environment more than the Rethuglicans GOP. They want you to drink tainted water and live on top of Superfund sites while we want you to have fresh clean water and clean air. We know this because we've flown in private jets throughout this great dictatorship land and have talked to the God loving morons great people in places like Wichita and Boise.

In conclusion, PIC-NOSE wants a better America than we currently have under the fascist, Hitler-loving, idiot President Bush. Sure, the economy is great, we've not been attacked again and unemployment is microscopic, but we can do better. We have a plan. We just can't reveal it quite yet because we're tweaking it to make sure it's just right. We thank former President Jimmy Carter for his input into the fiscal plan we've developed--we too know that we can raise interest rates to double-digits and unemployment can be doubled if just given the chance--and look forward to his masterful negotiating skills and talks with Islamo-fascists once we take back power.

Thank you and may God Gaia bless America.


The PIC-NOSE Caucus
John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer, Jim McDermott, Edward Kennedy, Patty Murray, John Conyers, Charlie Rangel and David Bonior.
More satire here.

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