I know you were wondering what would Matt Welch ask candidates during a debate. Well, wonder no more:

When I get to be a jackass debate-interrogator guy, I'm gonna focus on the answers that the American people are really looking for from their presidential candidates. Like,

* What if the whole universe was like a single speck on the fingernail of some dude sitting in a Starbucks or something?

* Does God love Guam and Puerto Rico just a little less? The District of Columbia? American Samoa?

* What if all this was a dream, and you woke up & you were the president of Mexico?

* Do non-human animals believe in oral sex?

* If I tackled your wife and stole her socks, what would be the very first thing you'd do?

* Who wins the arm-wrestling contest: Jesus or John Travolta?

* Quick, and no looking at your notes -- Who is the president of Turkshittystan?