Though Christ is aware that His birthday is one of Earth's biggest holidays, He said it hasn't been important to Him lately.

"I remember when I turned 1,000, I was really excited," said Christ. "A bunch of the apostles threw a big surprise party for me at the Sea of Galilee, and it was such a great time—I don't even want to tell you how much water we turned into wine that night. But once I turned 1,000, each birthday sort of became less and less of a big deal. It's like, once you're a thousandsomething, you don't even get so excited about birthdays anymore. The past few hundred birthdays, I've generally celebrated by just going out to dinner with a good friend or something mellow like that."

"I am so over the hill," He said. "God, in another 497 years, I'm going to be 2,500. I can't believe it."

Despite Christ's pleading with friends not to "make a whole big production" out of His birthday, some suspect He is secretly hoping for a surprise party.

"Every time I bring up the subject, He says, 'Don't do anything special for Me, don't get me any presents, all I want is peace on Earth, I'm not some kid in his 840s anymore'—blah, blah, blah," St. Matthew said. "That's vintage Jesus for you. Well, I have news for Him: Nobody is going to 'just forget.'"

This and other great stuff at The Onion.